Ancient document recovered from one of the Authors' hard drives. Minor edits have been made to preserve the anonymity of all involved. --- ## Let's start the jews, 2020 **G:** You should have received the attached document via High Tech Paper Application for signature. Its a schedule B and should have been signed once you both officially were transferred from OldCompany as W-2's. **J:** Just curious how the Gods of Legalese interpret the word "returned" here. Are we kosher to say we returned stuff that we didn't return if we're still using it for work? **A:** yes totaly kosher **A:** like eggs and bacon 🤪 **J:** Lol btw A, speaking of kosher... (I was drunk reading the torah the other day.) Did you know grapes are free? **A:** yes! isn’t it fascinating getting a look into ancient culture? **G:** Manchuvitz **G:** (Or however you spell it) **A:** did you know ancient jews kept each other as indentured servants? **G:** ☹️ **G:** Lol **J:** Wait they're not allowed to charge each other interest on loans but indentured servitude is okay? **A:** e.g if you defaulted on a loan you would end up working in indentured servitude until it was payed off, and you couldnt be beaten on the sabbath. **A:** right?? **A:** so weird! **G:** Does the no interest rule apply to this current day? **J:** Btw, re "grapes are free": > If you enter your neighbor's vineyard, you may eat all the grapes you want, but do not put any in your basket. > > -Dudetheyreontome 23:24 **A:** it does but only if you dont eat bacon **A:** which is why they always charge me 21% or more **G:** For instance if I were Jewish and needed a line of credit **G:** They charge me interest? **G:** Lol **J:** Also G, they forgive debt every 7 years and they're not allowed to game the system by not giving loans just because jubilee forgiveness day is coming up. **A:** if you borrow from a person, they are not supposed to, but all the damn banks in israel charge 25% or more... its criminal **G:** :🤣 **G:** J are you Jewish as well? **G:** I swear you worked during the last high holidays. **A:** I worked during them as well, im a bad jew, i had a bacon egg cheese for breakfast 🙂 **J:** I guess so. I like to say I'm a member of "The Jews Version 0." The Jews version 1 is the Hebrews. They're like Unix. Cuz beards.\[1,2\] And man pages.\[3,4\] The Jews version 2 is the Christians, aka the fish people\[5\] started by Josh.\[6\] They're like Windows XP, for obvious reasons.\[7\] (Citation 1: https://bit.ly/37WQ2YK) (Citation 2: https://bit.ly/2Z7i7sn) (Citation 3: https://www.kernel.org/doc/man-pages/) (Citation 4: https://bit.ly/2A1zz9j) (Citation 5: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ichthys) (Citation 6: The real name of the guy commonly known as Jesus. Dude's name was Josh. Read the Hebrew. Citation wikipedia. Ctrl+f and search for "Josh". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus) (Citation 7: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chi_Rho) As you can see from these two data points, the set of Jews seems to be accumulating more official doctrine over time, since version 2 appended to version 1's bible. That means the set of humans that agree with all the doctrine is necessarily getting smaller with later iterations. (Though their number appear to be growing, paradoxically.) So naturally the Jews version 0 is all the humans everywhere, in principle. But a much smaller group than the original Jews, in practice (so that we can faithfully maintain the paradox above.) Tl;dr: The Jews version zero is all the humans everywhere, but not many people know about the group or choose to join. I'm that. It's sort of like humanism but with a general jew-y-ness to it. Cuz y'know, the human species started in Africa, and then we left and spread out to other places, so our whole species is kind of in diaspora mode, which is pretty jewish. Plus the place we came from is kinda messed up these days but we all hope that's only temporary. So that's the Jews version 0. It's all the humans everywhere. I started this religion as a joke awhile back, and then realized it didn't need to be a joke cuz it was cool. Here's how it started. One day I realized that humans say all of the following sentences. 1. I am jewish. (Some humans say this) 2. I am not jewish. (Some humans say this) 3. Let's stop the jews. (This is a mean sentence, but some humans say it) 4. ~~Let's start the jews.~~ (Nobody says this. But if the previous sentence is mean, this one must necessarily be nice.) So ever since then I've been spreading the word, explaining all of the above, and trying to get "Let's start the jews" adopted as a general sort of "Hurrah!" that applies equally to all humans everywhere. Cuz it's pretty fun to say, and no one can tell you it's mean (cuz see logic above). Plus by the above interpretation, both the original jews and the christians "started the jews" (versions 1 and 2 respectively), so it's an inherently unifying cheer. I guess we're not that different from the Jews version 1. We read the torah, but since we're all the humans everywhere, and since tora is the japanese word for tiger, we call it "The Tiger." There's 5 books of the tiger. But since we're all the humans everywhere, and since "book" in Mandarin is "shu," we say "The tiger has five shoes." And we call the 5th book of the tiger "Dudetheyreontome" bc it's funnier that way, and also bc people generally don't think writing a bible is a legitimate thing to do, so the Authors generally have to hide what they're up to until book 5, when everyone catches on and they go "Dudetheyreontome!" Other than that, pretty similar. So read your Dudetheyreontome, G. It's cool. You can take loans without interest from other jews (which is everyone), debts get forgiven every 7 years, and grapes are free. It's pretty fucking great. Tl;dr: Yes. I guess I am. **G:** Wow. That was awesome. **A:** J I’m buying you all the beer for this! **J:** 🎉 **J:** Am I to infer this means A (member of jews version 1) is down with starting the jews version 0? **A:** Yes **A:** 100% **J:** We should make this like a worldwide collaborative project thing. The world could use some unity. Let's start the jews. **A:** I'm in, do I have your permission to share this to my fiends? **J:** I'm gonna casually note that you just typed "fiends" and say yes of course. --- goto: [[News]]