## The Goal Our goal in this file is to translate the main events of the Torah from the perspective of the Authors. In what follows, we assume without proof that the original Authors of the bible were: (1) humans, and (2) possessed something like what we would today call "human nature," including at minimum Donald Brown's list of human universals that have been found in all known cultures. From that perspective, what follows is a translation of the main events in the Torah, using the following rule of thumb: 1. For each sentence, we ask not "What does this mean," but "What would cause an Author to write this sentence specifically?" We extend this frame of mind to every aspect of the writing, from word choice, to grammar, to symbolism, to the cultural and historical references the Authors chose to include. Such a reading leads to an unavoidable conclusion. This entire book, or at least large parts of it, may have been something like satire. In other words, the genre of the bible may in fact be the genre of the book you are now reading. Rather than attempt to defend this surely indefensible position, we will now proceed to the bible. Enjoy. Love always, -LD --- ## The Names Proper Translations of Names: - Adam: Guy (Adam means "Human", "Man", "Dude", or "Guy" in Hebrew) - Eve: Vivian (Eve means "life" or "the living one" in Hebrew.) - Joseph: Addam (Means "May he add" or something like "Add 'em") - Moses: Drew (Moses means "Drew" as in "I drew something out of the water.") - Gershom: Wallace (The name "Gershom" Moses's son means "foreigner." Possible translations include Wallace, a Scottish name meaning foreigner or stranger; Barbara, meaning "foreign woman"; or Gallagher, meaning "descendant of foreign helper.") --- ## The Authors In the beginning of the bible, we see the Authors make a series of independent decisions in how they describe the God character, all of which suggest that he is not the omnipresent sui-generis deity we imagine. They never say this explicitly, but they say it many times through the decisions they make. Further, the Authors suggest that the universe and even the Earth already existed before creation begins, they just weren't ready yet, and needed to be prepared. As such, we the Authors believe it is not unrealistic to imagine that that the beginning of the bible may in fact be a form of satire. What follows are some suspiciously joke-shaped objects in the bible: Genesis 1 - Hebrew grammar about how stuff existed already. - Immediately after inventing the concept of day and night, it's suddenly day two. This parallels an older story about the god El, in which he creates the oceans and then washes up on shore in a boat, as if by creating the oceans he suddenly found himself neck deep in water before quickly creating a boat. In both cases, there's a subtle suggestion that the god character is affected physically by the things he's doing here. - God keeps checking if what he did is good, because apparently it isn't always. - He checks if his work is good once per day, but forgets a day, and checks twice the day after he forgot, as if God forgot to do something and then had to catch up on work. - Language choice is simple and unpretentious. When god creates the sun and moon, he's described as creating two sky balls, a Day Ball and a Night Ball. - "Let us make" is not the royal We. There seem to be several Authors of the universe here. It's not clear. - Rests on 7th day because apparently the God character gets tired. Genesis 2 - The God character creates a guy and calls him "Guy." (Adam is literally the Hebrew word for Man.) - Every character God types creates something: - A River, a Human, Dust from the ground. In Hebrew this is AD, ADM, ADMH. - The God character loves puns. - Genesis 2:13: Gihon as river and Gehon as snake. More puns. Genesis 3 - God doesn't just automatically know things, like "where people are." The world is literally a back yard at this point and God loses track of where the Guy he just made is. (And YHWH God called the human and said to him, "Where are you?") Genesis 4 - 4:17. Literally 4 people exist. Suddenly one gets a wife. Where did she come from?! - There are already an ungodly number of unexplained people running around. They seem to have already existed before whatever Genesis 1 was. Genesis 5 - This chapter is a big hilarious spreadsheet. - The "age" column contains numbers like 912, 905. Claims to be in "years." - The "age at birth of child" column has numbers like 105 and 90. Genesis 6 - God regrets giving humans the earth, because apparently God fucks up often. - God says everything is corrupted and sucks, not just humans, the animals suck too. - Genesis 6:13 is hilarious. "This Earth is full of violence, I'm gonna fix it by killing everyone." Genesis 7 - God to Noah: "Make a rectangle. Put a window on it. Make it three stories. I'm drowning everyone." Genesis 8 - As the world is draining from the flood, the ark comes to rest on top of a mountain roughly 3 months before the tops of the mountains appear. "And the ark rested in the seventh month, in the seventeenth day of the month, on the mountains of Ararat. And the water went on receding until the tenth month. In the tenth month, in the first of the month, the tops of the mountains appeared." - 8:20. God told Noah to bring two of every animal so they can survive. Then when they land and the Earth drains, this absolute barbarian Noah says thank you by extincting a couple species by sacrificing them as a thank you to the guy who asked to please keep them alive. - 8:21. And God smelled the delicious smell of species extincting, and God said to himself, "I won’t do the flood thing again to try to improve thing, because humans are just born shitty anyway." Genesis 9 - Great, finally we've fixed the earth and only the pure humans are left. - Now Noah starts a wine farm, gets drunk and passes out with his dick exposed. - Ham goes to his brothers. "Dad's drunk and passed out naked again. I'm gonna put a blanket over him." - The brothers walk backwards so they don't have to see dad's dick, and they put a blanket over him. - Noah gets mad that his son covered his dick up, so he curses his grandson, who wasn't involved. Genesis 10 - Another spreadsheet. - 10:8. Nimrod means hunter here. Eventually Bugs Bunny will make it mean idiot. - Everybody's name is a city nearby. Genesis 11 - World version 2 is now up and running. The old world was violent so it needed it die. This time it's cooperative. Let's see what happens. - Everyone cooperates and it's working. No violence in earth version 2. - The one world culture with one language goes: Hey guys, let's cooperate and build a big thing together. - God checks in on them, and goes "Ew, they're cooperating." - God creates languages to confuse them and now they can't cooperate any more. Haha! - Genesis 11:10. Ok back to being a spreadsheet. - Abram shows up. Lives in Ur. He doesn't pray or do anything. He and his family decide to move to Canaan, general Israel area. They walk to Turkey instead, and then stop. Still no praying. Genesis 12 - This book begins with exactly zero praying. - God shows up, apropos of nothing, without being asked, and starts asking for Abram's help. - God seems stressed. He seems to have been assigned the task of writing a Bible or something. - While in Haran (Turkey), God asks Abram to walk from "Your birthplace" (Ur, where his currently is not) to Israel please, for unclear reasons. (Friedman: "The truth is that this is a case in which the contradiction is a result of the fact that the Torah was composed from several sources." Later: "And besides, Abraham later sends his servant to get a wife for Isaac, saying, “Go to my land and my birthplace” (24:4), and the servant goes to _Haran_") - In other words, while in Turkey, God shows up and asks Abram to walk from Iraq to Israel. What a weird guy. - Abram gets his infertile wife, some rando named Lot, and some stuff, and starts walking. - 12:5. The bible literally goes. "So they began the long walk from Turkey to Israel." Next line. "They got there." - 12:7. God shows up again, without being prayed to at all, and he's like "I'll give this land to your semen." So they build an altar to the place where he said that. - 12:8. In a city called "House of El," Abraham calls god YHWH for the first time. - 12:10. Abraham walks to Egypt in one sentence, because there's a famine either where he was or possibly in Egypt. Not clear. - 12:11. Sarah look, they're a little rapey here in Egypt and you're really hot. - 12:12-13. Abraham's like "Pretend you're my sister so they rape you instead of killing me." - 12:14. They get to Egypt. Stereotypes work. The Egyptians go "Damn she hot." And they take her to the king. - The king tries to fuck Sarai b/c he thinks she's single, and then God swoops in and saves her with diseases. - Pharaoh goes "Jesus why did you lie, I wouldn't have tried to fuck her if I knew she was married." - Then the evil king just lets them go. - Another win for the good guys. - Literally entrapment. Genesis 13 - They leave Egypt covered in bling with a bunch of free animals. - Abraham walks back to "House of El" and goes "Yahweh" again. - 13:5. Even Abram's friend lot got free cows and tents. - 13:6. Suddenly Lot and Abram decide that "outside" isn't big enough for the both of us, because we have too much free stuff from Pharaoh in exchange for calling off YHWH and his diseases, so now we have so much stuff we can't fit it outside. "And the land did not suffice them to live together, because their property was great, and they were not able to live together." - 13:8. Let's not fight, we're bros. - Abram and Lot break up. Go separate ways. - Abram goes to Canaan. Lot goes to Buttsex Town. (Sodom.) - Cut to Lot in Sodom: "The people are bad to YHWH." - Cut to Abram in Canaan: YHWH says "Look in every direction at once lol." (why?) - 13:15. This pussy is all your pussy, I'll cover all this to your semen. Cum cum everywhere Yahmen. - "For all the land that you see, I’ll give it to you and to your seed forever. And I’ll make your seed like the dust of the earth, so that if a man could count the dust of the earth then your seed also could be counted." - 13:18: Abram rolls his eyes and builds another YHWH shrine. - Cut to immoral sex town: Genesis 14 - Back to Spreadsheet genre. - Battle of fifty random cities or countries or regions with too many names. Sodom and Gomorrah are two of them. "the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and they fell there; and those who were left fled to the mountain." - Some warlords raid the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and steal all their food and property. - They kidnap Lot from Sodom where he'd been living. - Someone escapes and tells "Abram the Hebrew." Aka, Abram is suddenly referred to as "Abram the Redsock", because this is the Yankee source writing probably. (Friedman: 14:13. the Hebrew. This is an unusual use of the word “Hebrew.” Elsewhere in biblical stories it is used to identify Israelites only when one is speaking among foreigners. It is not the standard term for the people, which is rather “Israelite” at first and “Jew” later. Perhaps it is used here because there are not yet any other Israelites around, and Abraham himself is the foreigner. (Regarding the term “Hebrew slave,” see the comment on Exod 21:2.) - Abram takes his personal army of 318 soldiers who were born in his house (oh, I see, Abram is rich as fuck and didn't actually walk all that distance, these guys carried him while he talked to god about all the places he wanted to cover in semen. - Abram attacks the kidnappers at night, steals the stuff back, puts Lot and the stuff back in Sodom, as well as "the women and the people." - King of Sodom says thanks. Other king ("a priest of El the Highest") brings bread and wine. It's established in a footnote that Abram was originally an El guy. (14:18. the Highest. Hebrew ‘elyImagen. This is how God is known at the end of the Torah also (Deut 32:8). There (and in Ps 82:6) this is the epithet that is used for God in connection with the formation of the nations of the earth. That makes it notable that here the priest who is associated with El the Highest is not from Abraham’s family but from another group. Abraham is not pictured as the only worshiper of this God on earth.) - "You sure are a good Yankee," says the Yankee priest to Abram, not knowing Abram has a rabit thundercock Redsock on a chain floating around with him, and he's been saying "Redsocks" in all the Yankee stadiums. (And he blessed him and said, “Blessed is Abram to El the Highest, creator of skies and earth.) - 14:20 "All this thanks to El," they say. - 14:22: And Abram said to the king of Sodom, "I’ve lifted my hand to YHWH, El the Highest, creator of skies and earth." - They gave Abram a bunch of stuff as thanks. Genesis 15 - YHWH shows up in Abram's dream and says "Don't worry about those assholes, I'll protect you from them." - Abram says to YHWH: "You haven't given me any of that pussy you promised me. I still have zero kids and my wife is infertile." - YHWH leads Abram outside and says "See all those stars? That's all the pussy you're gonna get." (And He brought him outside and said, “Look at the skies and count the stars—if you’ll be able to count them.” And He said to him, "That is how your seed will be.") - YHWH then says "I am YHWH, who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldees", neglecting that fact that Abram had already left by the time YHWH showed up. - Abram says to YHWH "How do I know you'll keep your promises?" - YHWH says "Take a bunch of animals and cut them in half. Cow, goat, ram, dove, pigeon. The first three should be 3yos. The other 2 can be whatever." - Abram got those specific five animals and started cutting them all in half. After three, he stops like "Wtf am I doing." He doesn't cut the birds in half. - Abram then falls asleep inside his already dream-situation or vision or whatever, starting inception level two. - Abram has a nightmare in inception two. - YHWH shows up in inception level two, stammering, and says something like "You know I'll keep my promise because you'll _know_ that your cum will be foreign in a land that is not theirs (whose?), and they will serve them (who?), and they (who?) will degrade them (who?) four hundred years. I'll judge them and the country they work for. And they won't have much stuff. And when you die you'll be peaceful. You’ll be buried at a good old age." - And the sun was setting in inception two, and the sun was setting yet again, so it was dark, except for the smoke and a flame of fire representing our rabid pitbull thunder god. - On that day YHWH made a promise to Abram, saying, “I’ve given this land to your cum, from the river of Egypt to the big river, the river Euphrates, the Asians and the Indians and the Blacks and the Jews, you'll cum inside them all my man." YHWH lists 10 different ethnicities that Abram will cum in if he keeps helping YHWH. Genesis 16 - Chapter 16. Still no pussy for our boy Abram. At this point the wife is getting sick of Abram's horn-dog behavior, and suggests that he fuck the hired help. - Abram cums in the cleaning lady and gets her pregnant. - Sarai sees that the maid is pregnant and realizes that the maid is now wifey as well. Sarai has mixed-feelings about this, even though it was her fucking idea in the first place. - Abram says "Ok wifey, do whatever you want with the maid," in a moment of post-nut clarity. - Sarah does some vague unspecified "degrading" shit to the handmaid. We don't know what it was. All we know is that she flees, pregnant, into the woods. What a great family. - Later the pregnant abused maid is found by a lake in the woods. - An "Angel of YHWH" finds her in the woods and says "Hey you're the maid. Where are you going?" - She says "I'm running away from Sarai, my mistress." - The angel says "Go back and keep doing the 'getting degraded thing'. (Go back to your mistress, and suffer the degradation under her hands.) - And the angel continued, to the pregnant girl: "I'll let you cum on everything, so much. I’ll _multiply_ your seed, and it won’t be countable because of its great number." (This angel appears to be a shell script that just echoes strings about cum, unaware it's talking to a scared pregnant girl in the woods.) - The Angel then goes "Ahem nvm wait wrong cue cards. You'll have a son. He'll be awesome and here I already decided on the name for you. It's Ishmael." - And the Angel continues "And he’ll be a wild ass of a man, his hand against everyone, and everyone’s hand against him, and he’ll tent among all his brothers." - 16:13: Wtf is this? "And she called the name of YHWH who spoke to her “You are El-roi,” for she said, “Have I also seen after the one who sees me here?" - 16:15: The maid gives birth, and she names it what YHWH's employee told her to. - 16:16: Abram finally had a kid, at the ripe young age of 86. Tl;dr: After all YHWH's promises of pussy, in the end, Abram rapes the maid. _(Narrator: 13 years later.)_ Genesis 17 - Abram was now 99. - YHWH shows up unannounced and says "I am El Shadday, translation: El, The One of the Mountain, The God Who is more than enough, walk before me and be unblemished." - (Friedman: 17:1. El Shadday. Meaning: El, the One of the Mountain. (The old translation “God Almighty” cannot be justified.) The association of gods in general, and YHWH in particular, with mountains is well known. And there are gods called _šadu rabu_ (“big mountains”) in Akkadian, and gods called _šdyn_ in the Deir ‘Alla text (an ancient plaster text found in Jordan in 1967).) - Abram falls on his face, startled from the chaos. - YHWH (now "El of the Mountain?") continues. "I'll spread your cum, your seed, into all the pussies of every nation, virgins galore, you won't belie---" - Abram's like "Genie it's me, Abram, I know who you are. Also what's with the name change?" - 17:3. YHWH continues "I'll make you a promise! You’ll become a father of a mass of nations." - 17:5. YHWH continues. "I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll change your name. I'll give you a new name. Ha. Abraham. Extra ha. For free. Comes with the pussy which I promise is coming soon." - 17:6. YHWH keeps promising pussy. ("And I’ll make you very, very fruitful and make you into nations. And kings will come out of you.") - 17:7. And I'll make the same promise to your kids too see. I'll let your children cum inside everyone too. Whoever they want. - 17:8. And you can have Canaan forever. And cum in it. - 17:9. And in exchange you, you, you, you do whatever I say. And your family. Forever. - 17:10. This is my promise to you ok? You, you, you, you get to cut part of your dick off. The front part that keeps the cum from cumming more harder. - 17:12. Cut, just cut the dick off ok. Just the front. 8 days old, cut a little off the front. All your people do that too. People you make or people you buy. That's fine, buy em, just make sure the dick, cut, cut the dick. - 17:15: YHWH continues: "Your wife, she gets a new name too. Wtf kind of name is Sarai? It's like Sarah but wrong. She's Sarah from now on. It's easier." - 17:16: YHWH says "And I'll make her pussy work again too, so it can make people again. With your dick." - 17:17: Abraham laughs at YHWH and goes "She's a HUNDRED years old." (And Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said in his heart, “Will he be born to someone who’s a hundred years old?! And will Sarah, who’s ninety years old, give birth?!”) - 17:18. YHWH says Abram's current actual son isn't his successor. YHWH says a pretend son who doesn't exist yet but I promise he will is gonna be the real guy. And he names that son now, in advance. It'll be Isaac. - 17:23. Abraham goes "Jesus Christ." And he gathers all his blood relatives and the ones he bought, and he says "Look guys, I've got good news and bad news. You've gotta cut part of your dicks off." (And Abraham took Ishmael, his son, and all his homeborn and everyone purchased with his money, every male among the men of Abraham’s house, and he circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in that very day, as God had spoken with him.) ![[abraham-and-yahweh.png|400]] Genesis 18