Hello World God: "Light. Sky. Water here. Land there. Plants, animals, people. Take Sunday off so God can go to church." Snake Python teaches junior dev knowledge of best practices. Everything gets immediately worse. God mad. Murder Two Brothers: Simplicity and Complexity. Complexity kills Simplicity b/c it's jealous. Refactor God says "This project sucks. Unsalvageable." Decides time for rewrite. Keeps a few things around from old project but not much. dd's world with default substance aka \0 aka water. Babel Humans try one-world culture. "Let's build a big thing." Collaboration ensues. God goes "Oh fuck" and messes up the big thing. Makes languages as a security patch to make sure people don't get too good at collaborating and hack into heaven or something. This may be a joke. Lesson unclear. Abraham Bell Labs I mean God offers Ken Thompson I mean Abraham a job and he's like "No thanks." At first it seems like Abraham/Ken is sort of disorganized and doesn't have his shit together but it turns out basically everything descends from this guy. As many descendants as the stars in the sky. Isaac & Jacob This is the part from Lost where there's the two brothers and one's the smoke monster I think. I don't know this part of the story. Fill it in later. Joseph Guy gets a jacket or something and it's gay and that's great for some reason. I don't know this part of the story. Fill it in later. Exodus 1 The scene: Egypt. It's bloated and way-too-complex. Just to write the letter A you have to draw an entire goddamn bird. Writing takes forever. Basically Multics. Ok so Egypt gets new king. Hates jews because they're too good at making babies. King says to nurses who deliver babies "Hey can you kill the jew babies please? Just the boys. We need the girls for... um... something." Nurses go "Yeah totally ok we'll get right on that" and then proceed to not do that even a little. King comes back. Asks "Hey why do there keep being jew babies I thought we were done with that?" Nurses go "Oh um the jew girls are too good at making babies, they're like animals, we can't keep up." Clearly a lie but gives plausible deniability. Moses (a.k.a. Drew) Mom hides boy baby in basket so he won't get killed. King's daughter finds him and decides to adopt baby. She goes "I'll call you Drew b/c I drew you from the water lol." Drew grows up. Goes "Well I'm gonna go sit by a well for some reason and draw water from the well" and then seven girls show up and Drew drew water from the well to make them wet etc etc. Clearly an ancient rap song going on here but was lost in translation. Drew marries one of the girls. Has baby. Names baby "foreigner" because he's a foreigner in the new place. Drew loves puns. Bibles are mostly puns. Plagues & Exodus Drew does magic to sabotage Multics. I don't know this part of the story. Finish this later. Red C Drew blocked by W@er. Runs L& command to make Land. I don't know this part of the story. Finish this later. Sinai Mountain of the moon. May be same as Horeb. Not clear. Bush is SNH in hebrew which is probably a pun on sinai. God loves puns. Bibles are mostly puns. Yellow Cow Drew's been up there a while. People get bored. Build yellow cow. Have party. Bush is furious. Drew breaks presents from Bush so people can't use them. God says "Hey um, I actually wanted you to give them those" and gives Drew another copy. Tabernacle Fancy portable God tent. Basically God in a box. It's complicated. Leviticus No burning birds. No having fun. Stone the gays. You get the idea. Wilderness Years People wander around. Say "Hey can we go back to Egypt and do slavery again they had better food in slavery." Drew is like "Jesus Christ these people." God makes sky food. People like it. Numbers Talking donkey, random wars. Drew loses temper, hits a rock instead of talking, God decides he's over this Drew guy but doesn't kill or whatever, just decides to phase him out before the next phase. Dudetheyreontome Drew gives speech. Reiterates documentation. Finally sees the promised land but then immediately dies before he gets there. God laughs.